I was diagnosed almost two years ago .... 1year and 10 months ago to be exact, This was one of the first blogs I ever wrote (I've been stockpiling these blogs on paper for a while)
The word bounced around like setting off a firework in a cave ,hitting every part of that well oiled machine that seems to be the root of the problem. It’s so strange being so fascinated by other people’s brains and finding neurology so fascinating, fascinating to the point of friends buying you books on the thing that has been the silent bloody assassin for the past year by the looks of it. How can you be so caught up on reading things and knowledge and not even know the body that you have lived in for the past 25 years. 25 years in and now you decide it’s starting to get uncomfortable in there … I’ve always known it is a push getting to 50 and growing old is against me but your taking the piss getting annoyed 25 years early (and yes I’m talking to my cerebellum and no you don’t have to lock me up just yet)
6 months is playing on repeat in my head nothing will happen for 6 months just a few appointments, plenty of time …. But plenty of time for what. I still have the weird feeling they have made a mistake even after seeing my brain in black and white on a screen and the little 8mm ruler, 8mm is nothing but when they discuss about taking away 8mm of you it’s funny how attached you realise you are to yourself.
Now the million dollar question, WHATS NEXT ??? Live like I have been, pretend nothing has happened nothing has been said and plod along….. Or live like I’m dying (which I’m not and have no plans to) …. That can’t be a bad thing can it?
1,2 or 3 operations he said , it rolled off his tongue like he was asking if I wanted tomato or brown sauce. Surgeons are a strange breed kind of like musicians, he sensed the urgency in my tone when I quizzed him on why he asked me if I had trouble singing recently and straight away I knew we would get along.
He had 3 factors I appreciate :
1. Strong handshake
2.Irish accent (I find it strangely comforting)
3. Sarcastic humour
Telling people about medical things like this always provokes the same kind of reaction but separates people in my opinion…and that scared me a little. In the grand scheme of the world this “op” is a tiny little thing but in my world it’s a game changer and when both myself and my friends thought I would get sent to another doctor and sent home with some other “drug” and another “emergency” appointment that would come in 6 months this guy just decides to tell me he wants a bit of my skull in 6 months. It came as a bit of a shock to us all, I say us like there is an army of us…… But they are my little army, my army of people who keep me going who are there for my stupid mistakes and my silly choices and also for the best points and the good times. The hardest thing in the world is telling your friends that something like this is happening and knowing that they are just as scared as you are and they are just to scared to tell you that.
I’m all in!! When it comes to friends anyway …and they know that and they know me really well and Also know I’m going out of my mind thinking about this, I want to know facts …. Fear of the unknown makes me sick ….. But right now I just need to focus on getting there and staying well and having the best time in the process. What is the point in being boring where has it gotten me ?
So the million dollar question, this was written almost two years ago! do I still agree with everything yes and no this has gotten less and less scary as time has went on but now that I'm nearing op day (which is another story in its self ... ill get to that) I feel good about it, JUST NEED TO GET IT DONE!